Note: This is WAY out of my comfort zone. This subject has been weighing on my heart and it’s been difficult for me to say out loud. I’m going to just lay it all out there on the line for you guys. I just wasn’t sure how to approach tackling this subject or how to put the words together. I have finally mustered up the courage to write this completely out — in hopes that it may inspire someone else to make a change, break a cycle, change a pattern, end a habit or just know that you’re not alone out there. I feel you.
I have been sober for 4 months now.
It hasn’t quite sunk in, I think I only have said it three times.
I’m just now, after 4 months, starting to feel proud of myself.
I even went to a support group meeting last month for people with similar feelings and struggles surrounding alcohol. I definitely didn’t anticipate sharing this with the world. I felt like it was very private and I never wanted anyone to know. I think maybe a part of me was embarrassed for people to look at me and think I had a problem. And at the same time, I was self conscious that my problem was small compared to others.
You probably don’t know that I don’t drink anymore. AT ALL. EVER. Is it because I’m fit and workout or perhaps it’s because I am a health freak now? Nope and nope. I don’t consume alcohol anymore, by choice, because of how it makes me FEEL. Sick, sad and depressed – rinse repeat. I went through a few rough patches involving alcohol before I realized that I did not like the person that I became. I also learned that alcoholism runs in my family and I never want alcohol to be a controlling factor of my life. I am determined to break the cycle.
During my going away party, I was the only one not drinking. I noticed how disturbed everyone was by it and how they worried that I was not having fun. In that moment it became apparent to me that most people think you need alcohol to have fun. News flash: you don’t. I have fun every day. My job is fun, my family is fun, my dogs are fun, reading is fun, exploring is fun, traveling is fun. I don’t need alcohol to have fun.
Since I have stopped drinking, I feel so much more clear headed. My feelings aren’t suppressed or shoved under a rug. I am able to analyze situations, understand myself, and communicate my feelings in a much more effective manner. And that’s not even considering the positive effects that eliminating alcohol has had on my fitness level.
I will admit that I find it hard to be in social settings where alcohol is the main event. I get uncomfortable around drunk people now. I know I will have to learn how to exist around this but it’s absolutely a learning process for me. For now, I generally avoid the situation all together. Until I figure out my feelings and why this makes me so uncomfortable at least. Baby steps though right? One day at a time.
Right now I am a much happier me. That’s all I really care about anyways. How I feel and being HAPPY. I have found my happy and I’m not ashamed. A dear friend gifted me a book that I can’t wait to start that is all about emotional sobriety. I almost cried because that gift meant so much to for where I am right now in life. I hope wherever you are, whatever you are doing, that you find your happy and love it just as much as I do.
“What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when you bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen.”